Are You In an Abusive Relationship?

Jessica Hein, Feb. 16, 2001

Emergency Phone Numbers (Sudbury Area)

It is painful to think of your own partner, someone you love, as an abusive man. He may be very loving, caring, and charming a lot of the time. Maybe he is great with your children. Maybe your friends and family adore him. Maybe he says he doesn’t intend to hurt you and maybe he genuinely does feel sorry later. He may have many wonderful qualities and you may be thankful for many of the things he does for you, but none of this can excuse actions or words or threats that hurt you or your children or make you feel unsafe, shameful, or worthless.

Different Types of Abuse

Does your partner ...
• scream or swear at you or call you names
•  keep you from leaving the house
•  blame you for everything that goes wrong
•  tell you that you are ‘sick’ or need therapy
•  use money to control you
•  put you down because of your disability <
•  constantly accuse you of cheating
• threaten to harm you or your children or your pets
•  threaten to commit suicide
•  throw things at you or destroy your possessions
•  make demeaning remarks about your body
•  insult your family or friends or try to keep you from seeing them
•  force you to do degrading things (like kneel or beg for money)  

Minnesota Centre Against Violence and Abuse (MINCAVA)  

Abuse can take many, many forms. Abuse can be physical or sexual or emotional. Sometimes it is all three. No one form of abuse is better or worse than another—verbal abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse. So what are some examples of these different types of abuse? When you and your partner are having an argument does he shove you, kick you, hold you down, pinch you, or scratch you? If he does, then you have experienced physical abuse. If your partner calls you a slut or grabs parts of your body you don’t want him to touch, makes you perform sexual acts you do not wish to do or insists that you have sex when you are too drunk to say no , then he is sexually abusing you. These are only a few examples of physical and sexual abuse. If any of these examples are remotely familiar to you, please, find support from someone you trust, call a women’s shelter, sit down and make a plan that puts your and your children’s safety and health first. It may be difficult, but it is the best thing you can do for yourself and your children.

Effects of Abuse on Women’s Health

chronic headaches
stomache pains
vaginal infections
sleeping disorders
eating disorders
low self-esteem
high stress levels
long-lasting fear and anxiety
depression
fatigue
posttraumatic stress syndrome

  Emotional abuse can be confusing. It can range from actions or words that hurt or humiliate you to threats of violence that make you feel scared or shameful. Your partner comes storming into your apartment while you are in the middle of feeding your children. He begins to scream at you because he just found out that on the weekend you went to a bar he doesn’t like you going to. He begins to accuse you of cheating on him, begins to threaten you by saying things like, "Now you’re really going to get!" Afterwards he apologizes and is very sweet and loving. This is an example of emotional abuse. And its purpose is to make you feel helpless, insecure, and trapped in your relationship.

Aboriginal Women and Abuse

Aboriginal women may experience abuse in ways that are different from non-Aboriginal women. Studies show that a majority of Aboriginal women may have experienced some form of abuse. This is because many Aboriginal people experienced rape, physical abuse, and violence at residential schools and in this way cycles of abuse began in many Aboriginal homes and communities. Aboriginal women also experience racism on the streets by the public and police more so than non-Aboriginal women. All of these things contribute to the difficulties Aboriginal women face when they have an abusive partner. If you are experiencing abuse, but feel there is nowhere safe to turn, remember that there are places that have been set up to specifically support Aboriginal women. I have listed a number of phone numbers and web sites at the end of this article that may be able to help you find the support you need.

When Abuse Becomes Invisible

We all think that we would know it if we were being abused by someone we love. But the truth is that some women never acknowledge to themselves or others that their partner is hurting them. Sometimes abuse just becomes a part of women’s everyday lives. If either your mom or dad has always told you that you are stupid or ugly or fat, you may not be surprised if your partner tells you similar things. But this does not make it right. You should never be in a relationship with someone who does not appreciate and respect the amazingly beautiful woman you truly are.

Abuse can be very subtle. It does not always leave obvious marks or scars. And it is often mixed with loving behaviour. Sometimes it can be difficult for a woman to define what is happening to her because of these things. She may feel that something is wrong with the way her partner treats her. But because abuse often makes women feel worthless, she may begin to lose trust in her own intuition that something wrong is happening. Without the ability to know when her partner’s behaviour is wrong, it becomes increasingly difficult to defend herself, recover from attacks, or to get outside help.

Your Children

Children who witness their mothers being abused are impacted greatly. They may become depressed, very aggressive, have low self-esteem, or have behaviour problems at school. Some studies have shown that often a man who is abusive to his partner is also abusive to her children. Although physical, emotional, and sexual abuse often go hand-in-hand, psychological abuse can occur on its own and can be just as damaging and even more damaging to the child than physical abuse.  

Getting Out

Many people wonder how and why a woman would stay with an abusive partner or return to an abusive partner. Often people outside the relationship blame women for staying and say Why do women stay in abusive relationships?

• fear that if she leaves, he will come after her and harm her or her children
•  lack of resources or nowhere to go
•  the belief that violence is a part of life—if a woman grows up in an abusive home violence may seem normal
•  she may believe she is worthless, deserves it, or will never make it on her own
•  she may love him very much and feel loyal
•  she may not feel that she has support from family or friends  

CRIAW

things like, "Well, she keeps going back for more." This line of thinking by family or friends can leave a woman feeling like she is without support or people to turn to for help. If your family or friends have said something like this to you, you may feel like you have no support, nowhere to turn to for help. It may make it more difficult, but remember, there are places and people who will help you and your children. You just have to look a little harder to find them.

Getting through the tough times...  

"Every day I just told myself, ‘All I have to deal with is today. Can I make it through today without blowing up at the kids? Can I keep my shit together at this one appointment? Can I pay for this one massage? Can I deal with this challenge in a way that I’ll be proud of later?’ Sometimes the big picture is just too big."

—Kim, thirty-five  

"My divorce got so violent and ugly so fast. I went to stay with my parents but they just said, ‘Well, if he did all these horrible things, you must have driven him to it.’ It took all my energy to find people who would help me say ‘No, this is not my fault.’ But I found those people. And I just refused to sink."

—Maria, thirty  

 If you think you are being abused it is important that you call a women’s shelter, get support from friends or family, and go somewhere that you know is safe for you and your children. If you are unsure whether you are experiencing abuse, there are often counsellors at shelters who can help you figure out what the problem is and how serious it is. Remember that no matter how financially unstable you may be, if you are being abused you must leave your partner not only for yourself, but also for your children. Find supportive people in your life: family, friends, therapists. Call confidential crisis hotlines. Talk to friends who can relate to what you are going through or find a support group for women who have been in abusive relationships—people who understand what you are going through often have a lot of advice and support to offer.

You can make it through the break-up. Surround yourself with supportive and loving people. Mother yourself and your children as best you can. Take hot baths, eat healthy foods, breathe, read good books. Call a friend or family member to take care of your children for the day so you can have the time and space to cry and scream about all the things that have made you sad and hurt. Just remember that leaving an abusive relationship, no matter how hard it may be, is the best thing you can do for you and your children.  

 
 

For further information check out these websites, books, and articles:  

Websites:  

Canadian Research Institute for the Advancement of Women

http://www.criaw-icref.ca/Violence_fact_sheet_a.htm  

Minnesota Centre Against Violence and Abuse

http://www.mincava.umn.edu/dap/documents/dv/handout.htm  

Indian and Northern Affairs Canada

http://www.inac.gc.ca/ps/index_e.html  

End Violence Against First Nations Women

http://home.earthlink.net/~deers/native.html  

Links to Sites About Women’s Social Issues

http://www.canadiansocialresearch.net/women.htm  

Women’s Health Bureau (Health Canada)

http://www.hc-sc.gc.ca/women/english/  

Women’s Human Rights Resource (Bora Laskan Law Library of the University of Toronto)

http://www.law-lib.utoronto.ca/Diana/  

Status of Women Canada

http://www.swc-cfc.gc.ca/direct.html  
 

Books:  

Gore, Ariel. The Hip Mama Survival Guide . Hyperion: 1998

*This book is GREAT! If you can, get your hands on a copy!  
 

Journal Articles: